Listen. I’m no fancy boy. But every once in a while, I’m a fancy boy. For as much as I love burgers and fried chicken, I’m not above putting on a slightly fancier flannel and shelling out a little more for some highfalutin cuisine (cuisine is a fancy boy term for food stuffs, in case there are any non-fancy boys reading).
Also, just for the record, this place does have burgers and fried chicken on the menu. You can take the fancy out of the boy, but you can’t take the boy… somewhere… that’s fancy… because… she’ll be wearing sneakers.
Anyway. Bavette’s Bar & Boeuf.
Photo Cred: Bavette’s Website
SPOT: Bavette’s Bar & Boeuf is conveniently located across from the Merchandise Mart in River North. What I mean is that it’s convenient to basically no one, but I work in the Merchandise Mart, and this is MY blog, so what I say goes. If you weren’t looking for it, you could easily walk right past this gem. In fact, I have. Even when I’ve been looking for it. The sleek glass doors lead into a stark, modern breezeway where a hostess with ironic glasses looks up your reservation (assuming you thought ahead for once, Greg.) and then passes you off to another hostess who takes you through a heavy wooden door and into the dining room. Is it efficient? No. Is it fancy? Also no. But I’m sure there’s some reason they do it this way… maybe the hostess with the glasses is afraid of the dark.
I mention the darkness because it can take up to three minutes for the average person’s eyes to adjust to the light (or complete lack of it) in the dining room. If I had to describe the decor of this restaurant in one word, I’d say “could-absolutely-be-the-set-of-a-mobster-movie.” Sinatra would love the place.* Ornate red couches and overstuffed accent chairs line the walls at the entrance act as a waiting area for the idiots who didn’t get a reservation. There are rounded booths and freestanding tables with glass chandeliers emitting soft, yellow light overhead. Lotta dark wood. Lotta candles and men wearing vests.
Towards the back of the restaurant is a bar lined with expensive booze that’s backlit to provide a dreamy, multicolored haze. Behind this bar is the actual kitchen, bustling but rather quiet, almost as if they know what they’re doing back there.** There’s additional seating in the basement area which is more of the same but slightly quieter.
*I didn’t know Sinatra personally. This is an extrapolation based on other places I’ve heard that he liked. This was also not to imply that he was a mobster. Also not saying he’s not NOT a mobster. He had a lot going on.
**This reminds me of the time my college boyfriend and I were making spaghetti in his tiny apartment, and the ground beef got a little too brown and set off the smoke detector. I turned off the heat and took it off the burner, then calmly turned around to open the window, only to see he had taken the pot of noodles to the window. When I inquired as to why he had done such a strange thing, he said: “they were smoking!”. My boyfriend didn’t know the difference between steam and smoke. He was 24 years old. Hope you’re doing ok, bud.
VIBES: This is my kind of fancy place. Upscale, but not snooty about it. The staff–with the exception of the hostess lady–are laid-back and professional. Attentive, but not annoying. I can imagine this place being great for pretty much any occasion. I’ve brought local friends, friends from out of town, and even my dad (hey, dad!) to this place and it has consistently received high marks. Can’t vouch for its effectiveness as a date spot since I’m going to die alone, but I imagine it’d be a great spot to have forced conversation or sit in comfortable silence with your husband of 35 years.
GRUB: Look. I haven’t had a bad thing here. All of the things are delicious. First, we’ll start with the most obvious. Steak.
For those of you who didn’t take two years of high school French, boeuf means beef. Bavette’s is known for their fine meats and, as my dad would call them, “slimy ocean critters”, which are oysters, shrimp, or any other gross thing that comes from a body of water that isn’t fish. I happen to be allergic to the said creatures (allegedly), but I can put away some steak.
My preferred cut is a filet since I despise the texture of fat on both my steaks and the outside of my thighs. The 6-ounce filet comes cooked to your liking with a roasted tomato and some of those weird watercress things that I’ve never understood. Also béarnaise. The meat is perfectly cooked and unbelievably tender, much like the outside of my thighs.
Photo Cred: Dining Chicago
If you’re not feeling beef for whatever stupid reason, might I recommend either the roasted or fried chicken. They’re both juicy and insanely flavorful. The fried chicken is served on a bed of mashed potatoes (we’ll get to these later) and comes with an adorable boat of gravy that only adds more flavor and fanciness to the dish.
Photo Cred: Bavette’s Website
Whatever entree you choose, be prepared for a gigantic portion size. Not the steaks, obviously… 6oz. is 6oz., but you could easily get away with splitting a main and getting a couple of sides.
!!!!!!!!!!SEAMLESS SEGUE!!!!!!!!!
The sides at Bavette’s steal the show. Any person who’s known me for more than 12 minutes could guess that my favorites are the mashed potatoes and the mac and cheese.
Appropriately listed as “buttery mashed potatoes,” these spuds aren’t fucking around. My best guess at the recipe is 50% butter, 30% garlic, 20% cream, 10% potato. They’re topped with roasted garlic and just a little bit of jus. I wouldn’t normally use the word decadent since I’m not a fancy boy, but these puppies are decadent. Maybe referring to potatoes as ‘puppies’ cancels out the fanciness of decadent. Perfect.
I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty well-versed in mac and cheese. Lactose intolerance and gluten sensitivity be damned; nothing will stop me from putting those cheesy noods directly into my mouth hole. The mac and cheese at Bavette’s is truly unique. First, it’s got truffle in it, which I’m normally not into. Truffle is added to a lot of perfectly good foods for no reason, but in this instance, it works. The unique, earthy flavor of the truffle perfectly complements the white cheddar base of the sauce. The sauce perfectly coats the cavatappi noodles (which I learned by googling “curly pasta”) and even provides the beloved cheese pull as you dig in. The top is lightly broiled and topped with chives, which everyone knows are useless, but I get it.
“Lauren’s not stupid enough to talk about a starter after she spent 45 minutes talking about mains, right? She’s not THAT unorganized and un-fancy, right?” WRONG.
Goat cheese dip. It has all the things I love in one perfectly executed dish. House-made red sauce with a generous dollop of aged goat cheese in the middle, baked and served with thick-cut garlic bread. I have dreams about this stuff. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve sat at the bar after work and eaten just this dip and the loaf of bread it comes with by myself after a long day of contemplating my existence and pondering whether I’m depressed because of societal pressures to do and have and be more or simply because it be like that sometimes, which it absolutely do be like that sometimes. It’s basically like eating a super fancy pizza that you put together yourself.
Photo Cred: Trip Advisor GOD, JUST LOOK AT IT.
After you’ve had your fill of savory, get your sweet fix with the chocolate cream pie. Jesus god. Rich, chocolate ganache in a slightly smokey chocolate cookie crust with the most beautifully smooth scoop of fresh whipped cream and topped with dark chocolate shavings. I’m not normally a whipped cream person, but this stuff is like the perfect soft dairy cloud that cuts the richness of the chocolate. It’s just… it’s almost unfair how good it is.
Photo Cred: The Googs Look at that stupid, delicious egg of whipped cream.
FUN SHIT: There’s another Bavette’s in Vegas, in the event that you find yourself in the black and wanna treat yourself to some fancy, delicious snacks.
FEELINGS INGESTED: This is where I eat all my expensive feelings, like when I’m worrying about about diversifying my portfolio or the ever-decreasing value of my Porsche***. If you’re a fancy boy like me, this would be a great place to have a “cheap” meal. If you’re a middle class slob with dreams of not going broke after one hospital visit then this place is a great treat.
***I had to look up how to spell Porsche. I’m not cut out for this life.
OVERALL: I’m gonna be honest with you. Bavette’s is my favorite restaurant in the city so far. There, I said it. Between the service, the food and the fanciness, it’s a must-visit for the sad, the happy and anyone who’s excited by delicious food.
Please note that I am in no way a qualified food critic. I'm picky and boring and really like cheeseburgers. Take my opinions with several grains of sea salt.