Opening the Disney (Trauma) Vault: Tarzan

In this series, Lauren will rewatch Disney movies from her childhood to see what sort of trauma she can drudge up.

TODAY’S FILM: Tarzan – 1999 – Rated G

WHAT I REMEMBER: What I remember: I distinctly remember seeing this one in theaters. It was a little field trip with my babysitter, Darlene. In my memory, there were a few of us kids piled into her red van, but honestly, it may have just been me. We had driven to some theater well outside of Wilmington (my hometown), but couldn’t tell ya which one. What I do remember is that this theater had a small arcade in the lobby. I was never that big on games like those, but I remember thinking that it felt really weird that those games were all lit up and making noise, but there weren’t any kids playing them. It must’ve been the middle of a school day or early on a Saturday or something. God, did I dream this?

Fun little note about the movie theater in Wilmington: There were several years when the springs on the seats were so tight, and I was so little that I’d have to hold my mom’s enormous purse in my lap to keep the seat from folding in on me. Sitting next to her at the movies and being dropped off at the mall were my mom’s ideas of bonding with me.

She really nailed it.

PLEASE NOTE: I have no problem keeping a seat down now.

 THE PLOT, AS I REMEMBER IT: A human child is left behind by some parents who were… killed in some way? There was some sort of ruckus. The kid, Tarzan, is found abandoned in this treehouse situation by a female silverback. When she takes the kid to her gorilla husband, he’s not about it, but mom makes it work. Alright. So then an impossibly thin female researcher and her bumbling father come to explore the island, I’m pretty sure with the goal of studying the gorillas.

Is Rosie O’Donnel the voice of one of the gorillas? There’s no way to know.

One day in the rain, the thin chick is cornered by some predators or something and Tarzan saves her. But he’s shy. So they touch hands weirdly. There’s a lot of adorable miscommunication where they work to try and understand each other. There’s a big musical number where the gorillas jam out using various trinkets brought by the humans.

Eventually, the humans must leave. Our emaciated love interest doesn’t want to leave. So she hops off the boat and comes to live with Tarzan for all of time. Dad sticks around as well, I believe.

I’m confident I didn’t leave out a single detail. Prove me wrong.

AS I’M WATCHING: Ope. Had forgotten that the boat goes down. Also this family feels very obviously Irish? I had also forgotten that this family CHOSE to stay in the jungle. Also, were they the only people on that giant ship? Seems wasteful. Love seeing the montage of parallels between the gorilla family and the human family.

DAMN. Was not prepared for the jungle cat to straight up EAT that baby gorilla! Jesus, no wonder all 30 year olds are in therapy now.

CHRIST, the jungle cat kills the human parents?! This is WAY darker than I remember. Good lord. After a sweet moment of mother gorilla meeting Tarzan, the damn cat shows up again and after a tense fight scene, the stupid cat gets hung by the foot.

Catch a tiger by the toe, if you will.

I won’t.

So many parallels to Jungle Book. Also, Phil Collins killing it as always. I remembered that, but didn’t put it above. Just pretend I did.

The initiation involving the elephant hair reminds me of being a kid and playing Fear Factor with my brother in the blue house where we spent our early years. We’d make gross concoctions with whatever was in the fridge and force the other person to eat it. My brother, being many years older than me, was much better at this because 1) he understood flavors better and 2) could read. We were once playing while we had a babysitter over. Brad. Brad insisted on playing. We warned him it was gross. No, he insisted, let him play (looking back it was probably to make sure we weren’t incorporating paint thinner or Borax into any of our cocktails). He took one sip of a vinegar, chocolate milk mystery-beverage and immediately threw up on the kitchen tile.

He did not watch us again. Hope you’re doing ok, Brad.

The kid grows up and is still not approved of by his step dad. Big bummer. Then one day, that damn cat comes back, Tarzan kills him, and then presents its carcass to his fake dad. Before they can have a touching moment, this story’s Jafar shows up, shoot a gun at anything that startles him, which happens to be everything.

We meet the goofy dad and the surprisingly bumbling daughter. I had forgotten how Hugh Grant-y she is. She draws a picture of a monkey, which everyone knows is a huge mistake (@showencantdraw), which leads to an epic chase where Tarzan is our hero. He does some weird improv exercises with her before he swings her through the trees back to her camp.

Our crew of teen gorillas and a neurotic elephant arrive at the human’s camp and put on a pretty neat jazz performance. Love the subtle nod to Beauty and The Beast with the tea set. Unfortunately, the jam-sesh is cut short when the gorilla king shows up and is pissed. He tells all the lesser gorillas not to go near the humans, especially Tarzan. Of course, Tarzan immediately ignores him and goes to the camp where he learns a very strange assortment of worldly things via an overhead projector: Dancing, space, London. Basically everything a human who’s never seen a toilet needs to know.

Tarzan also teaches Jane stuff, like how to swing from vines and where to look at birds. So. Win/win.

Tarzan has started to catch feelings for Jane and is crushed when he finds out that the boat has arrived to take her away. Which is just… an incredible amount of concepts to comprehend after two days. He’s also using conjunctions. In two days. And stupid babies in America take YEARS to learn conjunctions.

Anywho.

Clayton (the Jafar of this story who has a gun always) manipulates Tarzan into showing Jane some gorillas (if you know what I mean). The whole crew goes to see the gorillas, but of course, gorilla king figures it out and is pissed, so he comes barging in to ruin the party. Tarzan chokes him out to protect the humans. He scurries away, unsure whether he should continue being a gorilla or learn more about tea.

Tarzan’s mom takes him to the home where he was found, which seems about 20 years too late to do. Couldn’t have been that far away, just don’t visit that side of town much, I guess? Anyway, Tarzan comes out of the house wearing his dead dad’s clothes, which is a whole other thing–are there just two skeletons chilling in there? Isn’t that probably going to be traumatic to this being who just learned like 4 days ago that they’re human?

Now in his very well-fitting suit, he gets on a boat with the humans to head to England. BUT WAIT. A bunch of brutes chase him and beat him up. Turns up Clayton was a dick the whole time. Who would’ve thought. He reveals that they’re about to trap a bunch of gorillas and it’s Tarzan’s fault. Lacking curse words, he just screams really loud, which brings Rosie O’Donnell and… who’s the actor who played Newman in Seinfeld? I think it’s his voice.

Let me check.

Boom, called it. Wayne Knight.

Anyway, these two bozos head out to the ship to save the now incarcerated Jane, dad, and Tarzan. Tarzan jumps into the ocean just like his dad did all those years ago to go back and save his family.

Cut to the jungle, crews of absolute assholes are after the gorillas, putting them in cages and nets. Just as it appears that Clayton is going to kill our grumpy stepdad, Tarzan shows up, mostly naked again. He frees most of the gorillas, but his mom is being carried away, so Jane uses her new gorilla skills to get her free. Clayton, continuing to be an asshole, shoots at stepdad and misses, hitting Tarzan. This infuriates stepdad, who charges at Clayton and is shot.

Now Tarzan is even MORE mad, but injured, so he only gets like 100 feet in the air into the trees of the jungle. Clayton somehow follows–with his stupid gun–and ultimately GETS HUNG BY HIS OWN DEVICES. And they SHOW IT. A man HANGING. I… I cannot believe I was allowed to watch this movie as a child. My god, as an adult!

Of course, stepdad is dead. His dying words are, “hey sorry I was a huge dick your whole life. I’m passing on this enormous responsibility of taking care of like 100 of your peers. Bye.” So Tarzan yodels, which I believe is how gorillas assert dominance.

Now it’s time for Jane and her dad to leave. Guess they’re just leaving the carcass of their bodyguard behind? Tarzan can’t go with because he can’t WFH. They quickly do more mirroring exercises like a level 1 improv class (amateurs). She hops on the boat, and her dad is like, “hey bimbo, you love him.” In that moment, she loses her glove to the ocean breeze. She’s like, yeah, I guess I do want to live with gorillas and this very sexy man-gorilla forever, so she swims to him and kisses him, but it turns out kissing wasn’t one of the slides on the projector. so it goes poorly. They figure it out though.

But what’s this? Dad’s crazy too! He’s staying! Jane tells the gorillas what’s happening in like, absolutely perfect gorilla dialect.

Everyone in this new blended family is happy.

Except… the like… 10 characters who died.

The end.

FINAL THOUGHTS: What I don’t think I mentioned at the top of this is that the babysitter who took us to see this movie, Darlene, was extremely religious. We weren’t allowed to watch Sabrina after school or read Harry Potter, and yet… a baby gorilla eaten by a jungle cat? Two dead parents? A man HANGING? Let’s hit the matinee!

Soundtrack absolutely slaps. Tarzan can get it. The dad in this movie is 100% the same character as the Sultan in Aladdin. Lotta Aladdin in this movie. Also Jungle Book. Also Lion King.

…I’m sensing a pattern.

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

Opening the Disney (Trauma) Vault: Aladdin

In this series, Lauren will rewatch Disney movies from her childhood to see what sort of trauma she can drudge up.

TODAY’S FILM: Aladdin – 1992 – Rated PG

WHAT I REMEMBER: For some reason, this movie always makes me think of fall as a kid. Makes no real sense because it takes place in a desert. But. This was probably my 2nd most watched movie as a kid. I watched this one on repeat. Even more than Lion King, probably. I was completely entranced with Genie and all of his magical moves. I was obsessed with Jasmine’s hair.

Also, a bit controversial, I think I may have been Jasmine for Halloween one year. It was the 90s, a different time, but I still don’t know how I feel about it. If I had a kid who was obsessed with a cartoon and wanted to be that character during a dress-up holiday in a Walmart costume? Where is the line between being culturally insensitive and true pretend play as a 4-year-old? I truly don’t know the answer to that. Just another great reason to not be a parent.

If it makes it any better (it doesn’t), I’m pretty sure I had to wear a coat over my costume that year anyway. Thanks, Ohio.

 THE PLOT, AS I REMEMBER IT: Creepy intro with guy selling the magic lamp. Somehow the lamp inside of the sand tiger cave. We meet Aladdin, who’s a babe who lives on the streets and is a Robinhood of sorts. A street rat, if you will. We meet Jasmine, who, much like Ariel, is a daughter who feels trapped by her great, fancy life and wishes to be a slave to capitalism instead. She sneaks out of the castle and meets the street rat (who obviously falls in love with her immediately), goes to his crib and meets a monkey in a tiny hat before she is dragged back to her perfect life. Oh also, her pet is a TIGER. She’s also got some tiny birds, which are a metaphor for her crappy, royal life, I guess.

Ok, flash forward, and somehow, the street rat gets asked to help… rob the tiger sand cave. Shit goes down, and all he manages to get is a stupid lamp and a sassy rug. He rubs all up on that lamp, and blue Robin Williams appears and does a big musical number. Blue Robin Williams says he’ll grant three wishes, but he can’t bring back the dead, make anybody fall in love or… crap, I’m pretty sure there’s a third one. The street rat chooses to become a prince to be in Jasmine’s league and provides absolute 0 disguise, yet our genius princess doesn’t figure it out until he asks, “do you trust me?” Classic dbag move, honestly. I think he also asks for another one of his wishes here. But I forget. Maybe it’s the big show when he comes to town as Prince Ali? Idk.

Ok, the princess isn’t buying it but falls in love against her better judgment. Enter Jafar. Jafar is what the Romans call “a creep.” I’m pretty sure he’s Jasmine’s uncle? He wants to take over the kingdom from Jasmine’s bumbling dad, who has a weirdly floppy, bread-like turban. He’s adorable and wears a lot of rings. Jafar wants to marry his niece and kill his brother so he can be king. Yikes. Oh, also, Jafar has a parrot who’s rude and hates crackers.

Wow, I remember a lot, I guess.

So now Jafar is coming for Prince Ali/street rat. He lures him into some weird cave to save the princess who’s trapped in a huge hourglass (I had to Google ‘glass sand time thing’ because I forgot the word hourglass). She creates a rouse, they… escape I think… but somehow now the genie is under weird uncle’s control now? So then Jafar wishes to become all-powerful. Aladdin bates him by saying that he’s not the MOST powerful because the genie is still more powerful, so then he wishes to become the most powerful genie ever, ultimately putting him in a lamp like an idiot.

Oh, and at some point, Jafar reveals to the princess that Aladdin has been catfishing her the whole time and that he’s not really a prince, and all it took was a change of outfit for her to recognize him from the streets. Girl needs some glasses.

She decides she still loves him even though he’s a broke liar, and she tells her dad that she wants to marry this scrub. Adorable dad is cool with it. For Aladdin’s last wish, he sets the genie free. They all hang out and are besties forever and ever the end.

Finally, the love of my life, Lea Salonga, is the voice of Jasmine. Or at least does the singing, anyway.

AS I’M WATCHING: Oh dang, I didn’t remember that we meet Jafar like, RIGHT at the beginning. Ok also forgot that it’s a 2-piece beetle broach that opens the tiger cave. Man, pretty sure I had nightmares about that tiger cave as a kid.

This is weirdly specific, and I mentioned it above, in all of these Disney movies, the fabrics all look so fluid. Like pizza dough. I love it.

Gilbert Godfrey really made a whole career out of having an annoying character voice. Have you heard him use his real voice? It’s almost disturbing.

Know what else is interesting? Since COVID, I’ve realized just how much I rely on lip reading. I’ve always loved having subtitles on as well. Something about auditory processing? Maybe it’s slow for me? Anyway. Watching these older animated movies, where the animation of the dialogue doesn’t exactly line up/accurately represent what’s being heard is weirdly difficult to watch. Anybody else? Ladies?

 Jafar’s snake staff with the crazy eyes is reminiscent of that snake in Jungle Book. Neat.

 Can’t kill anybody, can’t make anybody fall in love, can’t bring people back from the dead, and can’t wish for more wishes.

I had also forgotten that Aladdin has a perfectly good opportunity to come clean and chose not to. Just like my ex. Shout out to bros everywhere.

I’m also realizing that there was absolutely no vetting process for these princes back in the day. Truly how did you prove that you were a prince of anything? And not just a street rat in a cropped vest and Dixie cup hat?

FINAL THOUGHTS: I genuinely enjoy this movie, even still, 20 years later. I think Disney does a great job at making movies for kids that are also tolerable for adults. Jasmine’s hair is still goals, and I still wish I had a pet tiger.

OVERALL RATING: 8/10

Opening the Disney (Trauma) Vault: Mulan

In this series, Lauren will rewatch Disney movies from her childhood to see what sort of trauma she can drudge up.

TODAY’S FILM: Mulan – 1998 – Rated G

WHAT I REMEMBER: I loved this movie. I STILL love this movie. To be honest, I’ve definitely watched it a few times in the last few years. The story is phenomenal. And of course, Mushu is hilarious.

As far as memories from watching it as a child, I don’t have many. Or any, I guess I should say. I remember loving it, and I remember watching it a lot and wishing that I could do any of the athletic feats that they did in the film. I also remember so many things in the movie seeming extremely satisfying: the way the lipstick and eyeliner went on, the amount of bubbles/later in the tub, the cutting of her hair with the sword… loved all of it.

 THE PLOT, AS I REMEMBER IT: Mulan is a misfit in her culture; clumsy, has her head in the clouds, doesn’t care much for appearances, but wants to make her family proud. Sadly, she feels like she fails to do so. Mulan’s elderly father is drafted, which is certain death for him. Mulan goes in his place in disguise, taking with her a cricket for luck (he’s not lucky at all, in fact causes several problems for Mulan), a tiny dragon named Mushu that was delivered by her ancestors, and a loyal horse. Mulan is underestimated, eventually rising up, becoming a great soldier. She’s found to be a woman, then shunned, then ultimately comes back and saves the say, marrying the general who thought she was a dude.

AS I’M WATCHING: I forgot about the dog! The dog’s name is Little Brother. That is hilarious. I had also forgotten that Mushu had previously disgraced the family by failing to protect one of the ancestors from being beheaded, leading to his demotion to gong-ringer. The eyeliner, bubbles and hair cutting were all as satisfying as I remembered. Lea Solanga strikes again as the beautiful voice of Mulan, and I always laugh when I remember that Donny Osmond was the voice of the general. Certainly wouldn’t fly these days, but fun to picture him in the studio belting out this tune.

This movie also has one of my favorite stills of all time:

 
 

FINAL THOUGHTS: This is the first movie that made me feel like women could be badasses. No damsel in distress, no magic, no spells, just a lady kicking ass to protect her family. By initially disgracing them by not being feminine enough. And then nearly getting killed for being a woman.

Thank god nothing like that happens these days, amiright?

Ladies?

OVERALL RATING: 10/10

Opening the Disney (Trauma) Vault: Jungle Book

In this series, Lauren will rewatch Disney movies from her childhood to see what sort of trauma she can drudge up.

TODAY’S FILM: Jungle Book – 1967 – Rated G

 
 

There’s a lengthy disclaimer that plays before the film now:

 
 

WHAT I REMEMBER: I remember very little about this movie, but I do recall that it was watched a lot in our household. Moreso by my brother, who is 6? 7? Years older than me. Hey, Brandon. You’re probably not reading this.

What I remember most is my dad singing or whistling Bare Necessities. The memory of that puts me back in the kitchen of the Blue House (the first house I lived in as a child) as I annoyingly watched/got in the way of my dad as he cooked. That’s where he did most of his singing and whistling. He’d make silly faces and sound effects and move around in an exaggerated, ape-like way to make me laugh.

 THE PLOT, AS I REMEMBER IT: Wow, I truly have no memory of the film’s plot. Ok, there’s a kid… and the kid is raised by Mowgli because the parents… something. Something happened to the parents. Or maybe not? Ok, then there’s a scene with a bunch of panthers and that’s… bad… They of course sing Bare Necessities at some point. Are there any other songs in this movie? Is this the movie with the four creepy vultures that sing the a cappella tune? Yikes.

AS I’M WATCHING: Ok so right off the bat, the CHILD is named Mowgli, not the bear. So. Way to go, me. Off to a great start. And the panther is the narrator. Seeing the lil’ baby wolf cubs make me want to watch 101 Dalmatians next. Very strange to hear the voice of Winnie the Pooh (Sterling Holloway) come out of an evil snake named Kaa. Also, the bear is named Baloo. Oh man, I Want to Be Like You! Another jam dad would sing. This explains my memory of monkey movements.

FINAL THOUGHTS: This movie felt slow. No surprise to me that I remember so little about it; I’m sure child-me just wanted to listen to the silly songs. Love that all the animals and the child all speak English, some with a British accent, deep in the jungles of India. Very convenient.

OVERALL RATING: 4/10

Opening the Disney (Trauma) Vault: The Little Mermaid

Photo shamelessly ripped from Google. Please don’t sue me, Disney. I have nothing and no one.

In this series, Lauren will rewatch Disney movies from her childhood to see what sort of trauma she can drudge up.

TODAY’S FILM: The Little Mermaid – 1989 – Rated G – Depictions of Tobacco Use

WHAT I REMEMBER: The Little Mermaid is one of the movies that I watched on repeat as a kid. In my childhood bedroom, I had a child-sized Little Mermaid branded table and chair set where I brushed the unnaturally red, plastic hair of my Ariel doll. I seem to remember having some pajamas that featured Ariel and the clown fish… what was the fish’s name? Guess I’ll find out soon enough. I always loved the water as a kid, baths, the pool, playing with the hose in the backyard… nothing better than pretending to be a mermaid as a kid. KIDS THESE DAYS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING. Do kids still play mermaids? Don’t answer. I don’t care.

THE PLOT, AS I REMEMBER IT: So there’s a prince, and he’s sailing for some reason. Ariel is a hoarder who can sing real pretty and wants to be on land because she’s obsessed with land walkers, even though her best friends are a ditzy fish and a suggestive crab. She gets mad at her dad because he’s all like, “no, you’re… a princess? Or something? Also… your mom is dead.” She meets an octopus drag queen who gives her legs in exchange for her voice. There are eels? The eels are the drag queen’s minions? Ok, then Ariel goes on land, meets the prince but can’t talk; they somehow fall in love. There’s a fork involved. Eventually, the drag queen shapeshifts and comes to land to seduce the prince for herself? I think? Ariel ends up back in the water somehow, and eventually, the prince falls for her, but does she… keep her legs? I forget. THE END.

An adorable, curly-haired Lauren playing with the hose in the 90s. She would never know happiness like this again.

AS I’M WATCHING: Ok, right off, something I’m surprised by and imagine will continue to be surprised by as I continue this series is the animation. It’s so much less fluid than I remember/compared to today’s incredible technology. It’s wild to think that many of these frames and scenes were hand-drawn or painted individually.

Also, damn, Disney really knows how to do an overture. One of the most interesting/fun/exciting experiences I’ve ever had the opportunity to be a part of was going to Disney with my high school marching band (not the whole trip, the trip was terrible, but this one experience was tight) and getting to work with a conductor to record our band playing part of a Disney soundtrack and matching it to the animation in real-time. That two-hour experience made me seriously consider being a professional musician.

Instead, I chose a job where I write jokes about cat food for a living.

Anyway.

I completely forgot that Sebastian was a conductor. I also forgot how similar this story is to Lion King (1994): Troubled youngest who feels trapped by parent(s) who just tries to keep them safe, an evil relative, bumbling best friends, friend of parent who begrudgingly watches/encourages the troublemaker, ultimate triumph after many trials/musical numbers. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: This movie was darker than I remembered. The little shriveled-up souls in Ursula’s lair were… horrifying. Also, a dude marrying a chick in a day just because she has a nice voice? Guess dudes have always been terrible.

This was a fun watch. Wish I still had that barbie.

OVERALL RATING: 7/10